mydeliverance

again
again without a purpose
without a life

again

the feeling of the unwhole
of being alone
of being not wanted?
no no its being useless.

it means nothing to me to being alive
this headache of being alive is driving me insane.

again the feelings and actions that need to be replicated
again it needs to go on
again
and again

dealing with people
being at my best behavior
always remembering where i come from
watching my reputation for my families sake and ‘my future’
always worrying about hurting others

helping people wen it is me who needs help
putting a smile on my face when its actually a frown on the inside.

am i pathetic?
am i feeling sorry for myself?

for how long am i going to keep feeling like this?
clueless, useless, and gone?

i need to wake up
i need to live
i need to unleash myself
and actually ‘live my day like I’m going to die tomorrow’

but when!?
is it going to be today?
when is it? when is it going to happen?
or am i going about it the wrong way?
asking the wrong questions

people walk passed me acting like they have their life all solved down to the last min.
do they? how do they do it?
i really want to know.

or do they act like they got it all in control?
they treat others like shit because it makes them feel better
as if they understand life and they know what they want from it all

i dont care about them
i dont want them to bother me
i want me to be able to stand up for myself
to be more confident with myself.

right know im confused and i need to unconfuse myself

whether im asking the right questions or not
i am fighting and have been fighting for my life
i will live life and will appreciate being alive
i am going to start today,
in fact im starting now.

i’ve already started.

all i needed was to be aware of it.
and now it will unfold by its self.
it will reveal its self to me,
i believe in it, and because i do, it will happen.

i am thankful for being alive
for being who i am
and for where i stand today.