everyday, through the tough times, life is beautiful and i am in love with everything. the ups and downs, the moments where sadness makes me comfortable, the moments where i am sick of my achievements and finally become hungry for more.  the life that is so grand that has been created for us to venture, to enjoy, to learn from, and to grow.
there is far more to it then the surface that we see… the more i see the more i am in love. i am so lucky to be born, to be the person i am today, to be able to see what i see, to want to change, and to want to learn.

i want to continue learning, see what has been given us, see the beauty that has been created for us. to really SEE.
i want to open my eyes wider than before grasp as much as possible and really understand life as it was given to us.

i am in love with you, for the God within you.
i am in love with the low moments that allow me to feel the high ones.
i am in love with me because i am in love with the God within me.
there is a power so great all around me, all around us. in every moment in every gaze in every molecule. i am in love.

what is it with people with over promises? can i really believe them wen they say i’m with you ‘support you all the way’

what is this bullshit they say i would tell u how to make it in a shorter way but i don’t wanna tell you.
get outta hear, this is ridicules, why r people like this. Like to watch others suffer.
i mean, i show u i wanna learn, u see no one is being a good teacher…
what is wrong with teaching me, sharing waterer it is u have.
no u have to make it difficult. of course, i forget, I’m living life…

think positive, think as if everything you want has already happened.
it’s tiring, it’s tiring sometimes.

before with this type of mood i would be painting right now. letting it all out on my canvas.
letting every rush and mixtures of feeling on to the white canvas, covering darker and darker until it reaches me. calls out to me.

aaa i miss it, i feel ashamed for stopping it.
i don’t have the time anymore. that was my only true dream really…
to have my paintings touch peoples hearts, to move something deep down inside them.
to make them want to cry, laugh, hurt, and relate to it.
i feel so guilty whenever i think about it.
i have left something i always dreamed of,
but for how long?

i tell myself i won’t loose whatever i have in me, i know one day i will get back to it.
but every now and then i am reminded of my guilt for that dream.
again this IS life… there is only so much my body can over exhaust it’s self, before i pass out

ahhh it feels a little better.

blink wide blinks to clear the salty liquid from dripping into tears

again these feelings seem to come and go. when will i ever get ride of this shit hole.
i dunno, is it me or is it something exterior.
it must be me, i’m the one feeling these pathetic feelings. but do i have a point or do i not.
i feel like i’m thinking like this only cus i can’t find a way out. i want out!
i don’t wanna deal with this shit anymore. fucking take it away. let me rest in pease.
let me enjoy myself and fuck all these stupid sad issues that take place here.
i don’t want to be a prat of this sick headache these people create.
they can take it all and shove it in their pockets, i want nothing to do with it.

nothing to do with it
i don’t want this
please help me come out of this hole i’m falling into again.
God please help me, please!

i’m screaming from the top of my lungs
i just want to let it out
i just wanna let it out….

wen will it end?

hatred
sadness
i sense a feeling that i don’t want to feel
i feeling that i am not
a feeling of giving up

i am not alone
i am not alone here
there is the kid inside of me
that motivates me
that pulls me back to reality

together we will create the life we deserve
the life that we have built for our selves
a life we kept only in our none existent reality

no more not any more
i promised her in that leadership training
i promised her something that day
i have not forgotten about her

we were young before
only kids
creating a life we want to live
enjoying a life through our innocent eyes

today i am older
but i hear her
i hear her calling to me
and that moment or that day woke me up
it helped me hear her again

she makes life easier to live
she bring me to my feet
remind me of our dreams

i promise her i am back now
back for her
to take her with me
to live
live what we saw
and to live it strong.

it will pass.
one day. i will look back at it all and laugh.
it will pass by. time always passes.

our memory is the only thing that we have that reminds us time once existed.
our facial wrinkles, are the residue of our feelings.
that feelings, emotions, life… once existed.

smiles, frowns, tears, are all part of our own creation.
part of a life we chose to create for our own.
from our own mind. we decided to live the life we lived.
a life we are living now. a life we will live in the future.

this is why i will create only happiness, love, and pleasure in my mind.
for we create the life we live through our one thoughts.
from now on… fuck you and everyone around me, no more.
i will live the life i wanted.
a life i have been wanting to live since i was a kid.
no more changing my dreams for others satisfaction.
no one can stop me from achieving it.
go live your own life, it’s time i lived mine.

i will build my market so strong, with love and unity.
i will spread it to all parts of the world.
with or without my business associates.
being alone. i have no problem. i enjoy it.

life has begun to take a different course in my mind.
i will take action. i have begun to take action.

this is something big. a start of a new beginning.
i will have to tolerate a lot.  i need to be ready for that.
i am ready for that, i was born ready.
bring it on baby.

this is exciting.
first thing i do when i get back is work on a system with my people.
create that strong person that is within me and let go of the shy person that is stopping me from achieving.
from creating. from becoming.

i have begun letting go already,
i am ready. My life has trained me to become who i will become now.
i understand now my past life situations.

first things first.
gotta start using that physiological state of change.
whenever negative thoughts spread to confiscate my mind,
i need to automatically, without allowing my mind to dwell on them,
to concentrate on a pleasurable moment.
no feeling sorry.
no wishing for other moments.
what’s happened has happened, let it be.
just let it be.
no over reacting, what happened has happened.
just let it be.
no stress, allow it to take it’s course.
just let it be
what is meant is meant to happen.
just let it be

and enjoy!

anywho, this is the first time i really feel that im in control of my life. it’s been a while. in fact it’s never been.
im taking  control now, probably see the change in me (mom in particual) she will never except this change. but im enjoying it so much more, my life has meaning, my life has power. it’s not just passing by. no there is meaning.
everyone deserves to have this. is it freedom of choice?

wow its nice to be able to step back and look at it from afar. its been a while since i was able to have a few minutes to myself. this feels good. need to create this ritual an hour everyday…. but still it’s not the same.. actually im thinking of going for my daily run again.  yup that would do it!

aaaahh  this feels good. im doing good, im not a bad person as my mom fills my head. everything i do gets me closer to my inner self. i don’t no why it’s really difficult for them to just …. let gooooo… there comes a time when they just need to let go

i miss righting. i just wanna keep righting. maybe cuz i’m typing on my ipad for the first time, which is pretty easy surprisingly. or i just really miss writing!

im on the plane now excited to see a good friend of mine.

i don’t know what it is.
these feelings, these thoughts.
why do they happen, why do they occurre.
is it to test me? so i cannnot give into them.
or are they to satisfiy me mentally? so i cannot actually do them.
or just to tease me?

i’ve lived, and i’ve done…
it’s time to move on. time to experience something else.
something more exciting.
something higher in level.

i am bored of myself.
i am tired of myself.
i am sick of myself.

it’s enough, please.
please, it’s enough!

i don’t want to think anymore.
i don’t want to do anymore.
i don’t want to feel anymore.
i just want to be.
just be…

leave me.

i need someone to talk to.
to let it out.
to say everything from my heart.
without any judgments. with out any feelings of misunderstandings.

i want to be free.

but who could it be?
i have found that the wall is the best answer. it does not have a mouth.
but then who will tell me it will al be okay?

i dont care i just want to be able to talk, to let it out.
how have i come this far. i have never allowed my self to go through what i have the past few months.
i feel like an idiot, brining up the past opened emotional doors for me.
i just want to let it out to someone. someone who will tell me its okay..
i cant help but be hard on myself.

i cant keep letting parts and pieces of my feelings to people who dont even respond.
i feel rejected. why bother asking? i just talk to too much.

i need to let it in, keep it deep down inside. no one wants to hear these things. no one wants to hear complaints. people can hardly live their own lives.

i feel so silly sometimes, things that i have done. positions i put myself in so i can excel. become better. but then i feel.. for what? what am i doing. am i doing it rite? do i go on? what do i do!
what do i do?
what do i do.

i dunno…
i know ill get a sign, perhaps.
it will get better, or ill just forget about it… and life will go on.
at this moment in time, its so difficult. its frustrating. and its depressing.

how much longer do keep faking that everything is okay?
will it get better? and disappear as only a stepping stone?

i dunno…
only time will tell.
i will have to bare the pain till then.
bare it alone, just between you and me.

i don’t understand.
i get this rage up madness, of anger.
its not fair.

if only they organize their time right.
if only we have a set plan that is done rite, for the better right of everyone else.
no. no it cant be done, no because we are lazy, no because its not us, no because life doesn’t allow us.
what is this bullshit, these silly excuses we come up with. its pathetic cuz we could have been a lot better.
we can be a lot better, do a lot MORE.

instead when someone points it out we just get upset and turn our faces the other way. when you planned to come here you decided to give YOUR time to us, so you need to show that. i know that i probably didnt work as hard as i usually do or as i should have but i sure as hell tryed to be their whenever you planned your meetings. its only fair to have it both ways. it needs to be both sided. is it me!?? do you have the same feeling poring in the way i have for you? i dont understand, and i believe i never well.
we just need to be more understanding. willing to change, not change people, but to change ourselves. who we are. into the someone who we will be in the future. when we change our selves we change the people around us. BUT it has to start  with our selves and not with others. if we start with otherwise, it will always stay the same.
i am sorry i realise im too  harsh you have helped a lot, just coming down here was enough. i just want it to be perfect, but i guess nothing is ever perfect. whats perfect for me is not perfect for you and is sure not perfect for God.

i hate this phrase but i need to look at the glass half full, thats all. as if its easy when im pissed to do that. before i take action or to even let words come out my mouth i need to think of all the good that came or that will come out of it.

the cup half full.
the cup half full.
the cup half full.
Its always half full…

again
again without a purpose
without a life

again

the feeling of the unwhole
of being alone
of being not wanted?
no no its being useless.

it means nothing to me to being alive
this headache of being alive is driving me insane.

again the feelings and actions that need to be replicated
again it needs to go on
again
and again

dealing with people
being at my best behavior
always remembering where i come from
watching my reputation for my families sake and ‘my future’
always worrying about hurting others

helping people wen it is me who needs help
putting a smile on my face when its actually a frown on the inside.

am i pathetic?
am i feeling sorry for myself?

for how long am i going to keep feeling like this?
clueless, useless, and gone?

i need to wake up
i need to live
i need to unleash myself
and actually ‘live my day like I’m going to die tomorrow’

but when!?
is it going to be today?
when is it? when is it going to happen?
or am i going about it the wrong way?
asking the wrong questions

people walk passed me acting like they have their life all solved down to the last min.
do they? how do they do it?
i really want to know.

or do they act like they got it all in control?
they treat others like shit because it makes them feel better
as if they understand life and they know what they want from it all

i dont care about them
i dont want them to bother me
i want me to be able to stand up for myself
to be more confident with myself.

right know im confused and i need to unconfuse myself

whether im asking the right questions or not
i am fighting and have been fighting for my life
i will live life and will appreciate being alive
i am going to start today,
in fact im starting now.

i’ve already started.

all i needed was to be aware of it.
and now it will unfold by its self.
it will reveal its self to me,
i believe in it, and because i do, it will happen.

i am thankful for being alive
for being who i am
and for where i stand today.